Sweet Jesus!! Please NO!!! One cultural import we really don’t need…

Ok, I know the Vietnamese culture a little now and lets just say, a little bit of showing off (in moderation, of course), or ‘bragging rites’ or even call it ‘gaining face’ (never have liked this term, sound like a symptom for some weird tropical disease) is not frowned upon. There is , however, a dark menace lurking in the shadows of Ho Chi Minh City that is pushing it’s way towards the mainstream. It all looks like a bit of fun. A bit of a laugh. Being raised & spending most of my life in Romford, Essex, I can give a first hand account of how this can be one of the building blocks that is used to bring the modern world into a state of anarchy. Actually, even worse, a state of lethargy. What, you ask? well…

Seems perfectly innocent, doesn’t it? A company CEO needs a limo, It’s what he’s accustomed to, some one is providing the service in Ho Chi Minh City as well. Nice idea, found a niche market and they are simply ‘supplying a need’, right?  No harm in that, right?…

WRONG

Let me begin with what his company have to offer our businessman. You’ve just got of a 12 hour flight so you are feeling a bit shit, but  this is an important manufacturing link in Vietnam so yu need to make a good impression. Disregarding the fact that you were in first class, and were sleeping on a bed that 80% of the worlds population can only dream about having a quick five minutes kip on before security throws you out back into the gutter, you are feeling a bit crappy. Poor Diddums. You need a nice relaxing enviroment to get your stuff together to impress these people. A nice, somber space that i can stretch out and go through the presentation that I need to…

.. err, yeah like I was saying, nice and quite. he he. look at that. Julian Clary must be on tour. Just 30 mins to get my head straight and its a done deal. Now where’s that presentation got to, I know I have that USB stick somewhere…

Ah there it is! I knew I had it somewhere…   he he…. look at that

Your car is here Sir.

Ah good. Err.. where…?

Here Sir. The limousine you ordered.

I’m not sure I follow you….

Here Sir let me open the door for you.

…….

Sir?

……

Is there a problem Sir?

… Ah! Funny! Funny! Did Dave tell you to do this? He’s such a cock. i hope he doesn’t think the company gonna pay for this. It’s coming straight out of his wages.

Sorry Sir? You did order a limousine, from SaigonLimo?

… well, yes I did.. but..

But what Sir?

… this isn’t a limo really, is it though….

Is it not, Sir?

….. no…. its not….

It has all the legroom you require, and the space to work before your meeting…?

… you’re serious, arn’t you?

Of course I am Sir. It seems perfectly fine to me.

……
then again, you went to Eton, didn’t you, James?

from the age of 6 until graduation when I was 18 Sir.

well that explans it. Look I’m not going in that. how can I convince a Japanese/Vietnamese company with a all-male board of directors that I’mthe one to sell thier industrial power tools and plant machinery after mincing my way out of this affront to my Y chromosome? They will be pissing themselves.

I don’t see what the problem is Sir.

Really? You can’t see the problem?

No Sir. It even has a jacuzzi and showers if you want to freshen up on the way.

Freshen up?You can any of that nonsense out of your head for a start. don’t make me hurt you again.

Sorry, Sir. anyway, it’s on the inside that counts, is’t it sir? That’s  what you tell the customers?

Yes, i do. But that is talking about the quality of engineering and reliability. Whats inside this? Mark Almond and the Pet Shop Boys?

Lets take a look shall we?

Jesu, peole are startin to stare… ok ok, just open the d….

Jesus…

 
H…

Christ!!!!..

Sir?

mm, I need a pee… Ill be back in a sec.

Fine Sir…. don’t forget we are on a very tight schedule…

…..

…..

Sir?

…..yeah ok! Can I do this in piece? a bit of privacy…? taking a crap!

Yes of course.

…….

8 minutes later

……

Sir???? are you ok?

……

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RACE YA, YOU PUBLIC SCHOOL SHIRTLIFTER!! BYYYEEE…..

Why is it evil? Well, thats in part 2.. you’ll just have to wait, as if this wasn’t enough….